Learning to Love the Self That Suffers

In his day dreams, he’s seen it all.
Since young, since before he’s seen it, he has seen it all.
Running away from his present and escaping his past—
that of which he had not known back then,
that it had even hurt him—
he fell into day dreaming.

Day dreaming of a future of love, happiness, and joy.
Yet, he ran away from his pain in that present moment
into day dreaming.

Every day he’d day dream
a continuation—
sometimes a heartbreak,
sometimes a new relationship,
and sometimes anything that could numb the pain that was present:
the sadness, the loneliness,
and the deep awareness of his incapabilities
to build friendships or relationships.

He knew very deep inside, as an insight,
how fragile, insecure he was,
but had one tool only:
to escape to his beautiful day dreams.

A day dream with wealth,
with a caring partner and a loving group of friends.
Or a day dream with a powerful position and loving partner,
and being a fair and loving ruler.
Or another with love, betrayal, and heartbreak.

All that he missed, he dreamt about.
All that he longed for, he dreamt about.
All that he thought would bring him happiness, joy, and love.

Meanwhile, the present kept ticking—
and the days, the weeks, the months,
and the years kept pouring by,
and he kept letting them pass by
like a river over pebbles.

He dreamt of being an emperor, a fair one,
a lover, a husband, a father, a friend, a carer,
and so much more.
He dreamt of being and feeling secure, safe, and loved.
He dreamt of being taken care of,
of being saved,
of being rescued.

He walked in his eyes
the path of a Buddha, of a Bodhisattva—
but he was day dreaming all along this time.

Years passed, seasons switched and turned,
and he dreamt his years away.
He’d dreamt not to feel;
he dreamt to avoid the pain,
the suffering,
the deep wounds from very early on.

And the feelings remained.
The pain remained.
And the wounds remained—
unhealed, untouched, unattended for,
for so many years.

The pain remained there,
and so did the day dreaming.

Every moment he had difficulties,
he went into day dreaming.

A young teenager,
a teenager,
a young adult into adulthood—
he day dreamed his life away,
afraid of feeling,
afraid of touching the pain,
loving the pain
and afraid to love himself.

One day—
one day life brought him a gift.
One day, it offered him wisdom
coming from his suffering.
One day, he was shown
the tip of the rope—
of how to feel,
how to love oneself,
and how to bring awareness to one’s pain.

He knew, down inside,
that this was it—
what he wanted,
what he needed,
and what he sought for
all these decades.

He took the rope and walked the road.

He learned—
he learned how to feel,
stay with his feelings,
and allow them to manifest
without being taken back to the past.

He learned how to enjoy the present moment,
how to be in the present moment,
and how to try to enjoy this present moment.

He learned that to love
is to love himself first.
He learned that the darkest rooms in himself
are worthy of love, of light—
so he learned how to place windows
to let the sun shine into these rooms.

He learned that all his faults
are a matter of others’ perceptions (almost always),
and that if he lived from a place of love,
he can never be faulty.

He learned so much.
He learned to forgive his unskillfulness
and ask forgiveness from others for it.
He learned how to understand himself and others,
and through that—
he learned how to love.

To love.

He learned how to love
in a way beyond himself,
his needs, and his lacks.
He learned to love wholesomely,
without the need for words,
for expressions,
or for language.

He learned to love—
and that has been
his greatest lesson.

As his hair became grey
and his years became many,
he cherished his love—
that he could lean back on
every time and any time he suffered.

He rarely day dreamed,
yet, he looked back
and contemplated in gratitude
for his younger version of himself—
gratitude and love
for the love and survival,
for what was possible then
with the youth,
knowledge,
and wisdom then.

In gratitude,
he looked at his younger years—
and with love. 💛