Discovering Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment and My Experience With It

Growing up, I never thought I was witnessing what’s called “anxious-preoccupied attachment” — a pattern that often shows up as protest or pursuer behaviors. I just felt that my parent wanted the best for me — that they were a bit too pushy, a bit too worried, a bit too anxious that I wouldn’t make it in life. It came from love — genuine love — but it had its consequences.

My approach to life was shaped by this environment. I felt I needed to perform — to outperform — to compete. I had to try to be the first in class, and when I wasn’t — which was often — I felt like my efforts, or even I as a child, weren’t fully appreciated.

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Gratitude to my Parents

As I write this, I’m also aware that these experiences are part of my present moment — part of who I am today. And I can cherish this moment. I can feel gratitude for my parents, and for everything that led me here. That gratitude doesn’t stop me from learning about myself, or from releasing what no longer serves me.

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A Life Journey

As a teenager, I rebelled against the constant push to perform. Eventually, I realized that if I wanted to reach my own goals, I needed to at least maintain passing grades. The anxious-preoccupied attachment I grew up with showed up as constant connection-seeking — an urge for me to study more, to check if I was reading enough, doing my homework — and a great deal of negative talk, passive aggression, and shame when I fell short.

Over the years, I came to understand that passive aggression and shaming often grow from fear-driven attempts to motivate or keep connection alive. The constant monitoring? That was intolerance of uncertainty — the unknown feeling dangerous. The nagging tone? Hypervigilance that hadn’t found a regulated outlet.

Understanding this shifted my perspective: so much of what felt controlling and emotionally unsafe to me was actually anxiety speaking through their behavior.

With that understanding came a moment of insight: “Yes, of course!” Knowing how my parent lived, I could see their own need for safety, for reassurance, for connection — and for acknowledgment that they, too, mattered. It made sense.

But insight alone didn’t erase the residue those years left in me.

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How It Shaped Me

All that externalized anxious attachment turned inward. It showed up as:

Negative self-talk.

A constant need to do the right thing — and perfectly.

Pressure to paddle against the wave, even at the cost of losing relationships.

Anxiety around decisions and the future.

A drive to stay busy, productive, always achieving.

At times, demanding too much from people — colleagues, friends, even loved ones.

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How I Deal With It

Mindfulness has become the key to understanding and softening these patterns.

Mindfulness of thoughts, feelings, and body: Not hyper-vigilance, but gentle noticing. Catching when a thought loop or physical tension signals that the pattern is rising.

Checking in: Asking myself, “How am I feeling right now?” Often, the answer is a mirror showing me what’s really going on in the background.

Boundaries with kindness: Setting boundaries softly but firmly — with compassion for others (because they, too, are suffering) and compassion for myself (because I no longer want to suffer from their suffering).

Mindfulness hasn’t erased these patterns overnight, but it has helped me see them clearly, hold them gently, and begin to let them go.

That, for me, is where healing — and freedom — truly begins.

Anxious-preoccupied attachment isn’t a clinical diagnosis — it’s a lens through which many therapists and researchers describe a pattern of relating marked by deep fear of abandonment, reassurance-seeking, and low self-worth. It helped me make sense of my experience.

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Enjoy my other reads:

Recover Your Sovereignty: On this link.

Stop Blaming Your Parents: Turning Mindfulness into Self‑Responsibility. On this link.

Living in Peace: How to Find Inner Peace in this World? On this link.

How to Transform Self-Sabotage with Mindfulness and Love? On this link.

Emotional Identity and Pain: Who Are You Without the Struggle? On this link.

External Resources:

Zen & Engaged Buddhism:

Plum Village 

EIAB