Blame Is a Scapegoat

For many years, I wished I had different parents from the ones I was born to. As a child, I imagined what life would be like with other parents—how I would behave, how I would be treated, what they could afford for me. I even pictured a home without arguments or disagreements.
That day‑dreaming followed me into my teenage years, but by then it carried anger and hatred toward both of them, each in different ways. I avoided contact and cocooned myself in a private world: a world of day‑dreams—of them being different people and of an alternate reality for myself—because the one I had felt too painful to fully experience (perhaps that warrants a dedicated post).

As time passed, my feelings evolved. I blamed them for everything: our poverty, the things we couldn’t afford, having to work full‑time to pay for university, even that my siblings had to help with tuition fees. Until about eight years ago, I blamed my parents for every misfortune I encountered, without taking any responsibility whatsoever.

Yet they could only love me.

With the little they had, they provided a home and an education through high school. They tried, with the best of intentions, to raise me, love me, and show me their way of life.

From Blame to Mindfulness

When I began my life‑changing journey of mindfulness, I touched an immense inner space I had never experienced before. That space called me back to my roots—my parents—where everything begins. It invited me to revisit them, rewire my day‑dreams, rescript my experience, and return to the child, teenager, and young adult who held so many feelings, thoughts, and anxieties—and to bring love to each of them.

I was invited to become curious about my lifelong patterns—the behaviors, thoughts, and situations I kept recreating, which carried the same pain and suffering I had known as a child.

These patterns were hindering my happiness.

I was acting out a textbook version of self‑sabotage.

I’m share my experience to say:

• You are not alone in this.

• You do not have to do it alone.

From Mindfulness to Responsibility

Mindfulness helped me become aware of my feelings, emotions, thoughts, and patterns—and what I need to do (and still need to do) to find happiness. Yet mindfulness alone is not enough. Other resources have helped me as well: systemic therapy, life coaching, books, and mindfulness practice together.

Use every resource at your disposal to release blame toward your parents and the unhappiness that follows. Owning our experience empowers us to act and tap into the inner wisdom we all possess—if we allow ourselves to listen.

Why We Mend Our Wounds, Not Heal Them (Yet)? On this link.

Is Awareness the Same as Freedom? On this link.

Feeling Overwhelmed by Personal Growth? On this link.

Learn more about healing your inner child On this link.

External Resources:

Zen & Engaged Buddhism:

Plum Village 

EIAB