Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment and My Experience With It
Discovering Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment and My Experience With It
Growing up, I never thought I was witnessing what’s called “anxious-preoccupied attachment” — a pattern that often shows up as protest or pursuer behaviors. I just felt that my parent wanted the best for me — that they were a bit too pushy, a bit too worried, a bit too anxious that I wouldn’t make it in life. It came from love — genuine love — but it had its consequences.
My approach to life was shaped by this environment. I felt I needed to perform — to outperform — to compete. I had to try to be the first in class, and when I wasn’t — which was often — I felt like my efforts, or even I as a child, weren’t fully appreciated.
Gratitude to my Parents
As I write this, I’m also aware that these experiences are part of my present moment — part of who I am today. And I can cherish this moment. I can feel gratitude for my parents, and for everything that led me here. That gratitude doesn’t stop me from learning about myself, or from releasing what no longer serves me.
A Life Journey
As a teenager, I rebelled against the constant push to perform. Eventually, I realized that if I wanted to reach my own goals, I needed to at least maintain passing grades. The anxious-preoccupied attachment I grew up with showed up as constant connection-seeking — an urge for me to study more, to check if I was reading enough, doing my homework — and a great deal of negative talk, passive aggression, and shame when I fell short.
Over the years, I came to understand that passive aggression and shaming often grow from fear-driven attempts to motivate or keep connection alive. The constant monitoring? That was intolerance of uncertainty — the unknown feeling dangerous. The nagging tone? Hypervigilance that hadn’t found a regulated outlet.
Understanding this shifted my perspective: so much of what felt controlling and emotionally unsafe to me was actually anxiety speaking through their behavior.
With that understanding came a moment of insight: “Yes, of course!” Knowing how my parent lived, I could see their own need for safety, for reassurance, for connection — and for acknowledgment that they, too, mattered. It made sense.
But insight alone didn’t erase the residue those years left in me.
How It Shaped Me
All that externalized anxious attachment turned inward. It showed up as:
Negative self-talk.
A constant need to do the right thing — and perfectly.
Pressure to paddle against the wave, even at the cost of losing relationships.
Anxiety around decisions and the future.
A drive to stay busy, productive, always achieving.
At times, demanding too much from people — colleagues, friends, even loved ones.
How I Deal With It
Mindfulness has become the key to understanding and softening these patterns.
Mindfulness of thoughts, feelings, and body: Not hyper-vigilance, but gentle noticing. Catching when a thought loop or physical tension signals that the pattern is rising.
Checking in: Asking myself, “How am I feeling right now?” Often, the answer is a mirror showing me what’s really going on in the background.
Boundaries with kindness: Setting boundaries softly but firmly — with compassion for others (because they, too, are suffering) and compassion for myself (because I no longer want to suffer from their suffering).
Mindfulness hasn’t erased these patterns overnight, but it has helped me see them clearly, hold them gently, and begin to let them go.
That, for me, is where healing — and freedom — truly begins.
Anxious-preoccupied attachment isn’t a clinical diagnosis — it’s a lens through which many therapists and researchers describe a pattern of relating marked by deep fear of abandonment, reassurance-seeking, and low self-worth. It helped me make sense of my experience.
Enjoy my other reads:
Recover Your Sovereignty: On this link.
Stop Blaming Your Parents: Turning Mindfulness into Self‑Responsibility. On this link.
Living in Peace: How to Find Inner Peace in this World? On this link.
How to Transform Self-Sabotage with Mindfulness and Love? On this link.
Emotional Identity and Pain: Who Are You Without the Struggle? On this link.
External Resources:
Zen & Engaged Buddhism:
Self-Love – The Way to True Love
From “Treat-Yourself” Culture to Realization
For over a decade, I was taught to believe self-love meant self-indulgence. Take that vacation, go on that trip, crave an ice cream—you deserve it after this tough day. Spending a weekend on my favourite video game felt normal. Yet none of it made me happier, lighter, or helped me break down the patterns I kept repeating.
What Media Misses About Self-Love
It turns out this version of self-love was sold to me by mainstream media, social media, articles, and well-meaning people. What truly matters became harder to find. Years ago, I was lucky enough to learn from Thich Nhat Hanh, whose teachings explore the essence of self-love and true love. More recently, I attended a retreat at the European Institute of Applied Buddhism (EIAB) in Germany led by Thầy Pháp An. The theme was Teachings on Love.
Facing Pain: The Essence of True Self-Love
Self-love—both complex and simple—is finding the most painful parts of ourselves and bringing love to them. So I sat with my pain, with the patterns of suffering inside me, and I brought light to them; I gave them attention and offered love. They are part of me—how could I neglect them for years while thinking ice cream was the answer?
Authenticity Through Gentle Self-Honesty
When I start being truly honest about my pain—seeing its intensity and gently bringing love to it—I can show my real self to the world. Without shame. Without blame. From that place of freedom, authenticity becomes possible. I meet the world with vulnerability that feels solid, strong, and loving, rather than weak.
Healing the Inner Child (Thich Nhat Hanh’s Guidance)
Through Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings I also learned how to heal my inner child. His book Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child is a step-by-step guide to sit with that child, attend to the pain, and illuminate the darkest places.
Balancing Comfort Treats with Mindful Compassion
It isn’t always easy. Sometimes that ice cream feels easier than mindfulness—and that’s okay. Balancing small treats (my favourite) with compassion toward our deepest wounds keeps us authentically on the path of healing.
Loving from Strength: The Ripple Effect
When we stay on that path, we open to the world with love, joy, and happiness. We love from strength, not need; with intention, not longing. Our love becomes true at its core because it begins with unselfish love toward ourselves—and naturally extends to others.
Enjoy my other reads:
Recover Your Sovereignty: On this link.
Stop Blaming Your Parents: Turning Mindfulness into Self‑Responsibility. On this link.
Living in Peace: How to Find Inner Peace in this World? On this link.
How to Transform Self-Sabotage with Mindfulness and Love? On this link.
Emotional Identity and Pain: Who Are You Without the Struggle? On this link.
External Resources:
Zen & Engaged Buddhism: