Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment and My Experience With It
Discovering Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment and My Experience With It
Growing up, I never thought I was witnessing what’s called “anxious-preoccupied attachment” — a pattern that often shows up as protest or pursuer behaviors. I just felt that my parent wanted the best for me — that they were a bit too pushy, a bit too worried, a bit too anxious that I wouldn’t make it in life. It came from love — genuine love — but it had its consequences.
My approach to life was shaped by this environment. I felt I needed to perform — to outperform — to compete. I had to try to be the first in class, and when I wasn’t — which was often — I felt like my efforts, or even I as a child, weren’t fully appreciated.
Gratitude to my Parents
As I write this, I’m also aware that these experiences are part of my present moment — part of who I am today. And I can cherish this moment. I can feel gratitude for my parents, and for everything that led me here. That gratitude doesn’t stop me from learning about myself, or from releasing what no longer serves me.
A Life Journey
As a teenager, I rebelled against the constant push to perform. Eventually, I realized that if I wanted to reach my own goals, I needed to at least maintain passing grades. The anxious-preoccupied attachment I grew up with showed up as constant connection-seeking — an urge for me to study more, to check if I was reading enough, doing my homework — and a great deal of negative talk, passive aggression, and shame when I fell short.
Over the years, I came to understand that passive aggression and shaming often grow from fear-driven attempts to motivate or keep connection alive. The constant monitoring? That was intolerance of uncertainty — the unknown feeling dangerous. The nagging tone? Hypervigilance that hadn’t found a regulated outlet.
Understanding this shifted my perspective: so much of what felt controlling and emotionally unsafe to me was actually anxiety speaking through their behavior.
With that understanding came a moment of insight: “Yes, of course!” Knowing how my parent lived, I could see their own need for safety, for reassurance, for connection — and for acknowledgment that they, too, mattered. It made sense.
But insight alone didn’t erase the residue those years left in me.
How It Shaped Me
All that externalized anxious attachment turned inward. It showed up as:
Negative self-talk.
A constant need to do the right thing — and perfectly.
Pressure to paddle against the wave, even at the cost of losing relationships.
Anxiety around decisions and the future.
A drive to stay busy, productive, always achieving.
At times, demanding too much from people — colleagues, friends, even loved ones.
How I Deal With It
Mindfulness has become the key to understanding and softening these patterns.
Mindfulness of thoughts, feelings, and body: Not hyper-vigilance, but gentle noticing. Catching when a thought loop or physical tension signals that the pattern is rising.
Checking in: Asking myself, “How am I feeling right now?” Often, the answer is a mirror showing me what’s really going on in the background.
Boundaries with kindness: Setting boundaries softly but firmly — with compassion for others (because they, too, are suffering) and compassion for myself (because I no longer want to suffer from their suffering).
Mindfulness hasn’t erased these patterns overnight, but it has helped me see them clearly, hold them gently, and begin to let them go.
That, for me, is where healing — and freedom — truly begins.
Anxious-preoccupied attachment isn’t a clinical diagnosis — it’s a lens through which many therapists and researchers describe a pattern of relating marked by deep fear of abandonment, reassurance-seeking, and low self-worth. It helped me make sense of my experience.
Enjoy my other reads:
Recover Your Sovereignty: On this link.
Stop Blaming Your Parents: Turning Mindfulness into Self‑Responsibility. On this link.
Living in Peace: How to Find Inner Peace in this World? On this link.
How to Transform Self-Sabotage with Mindfulness and Love? On this link.
Emotional Identity and Pain: Who Are You Without the Struggle? On this link.
External Resources:
Zen & Engaged Buddhism:
Check-In in the Here and Now
Mindfulness reflection in times of emotional overwhelm
Hello, dear friend.
It’s been a while.
So let me ask: How are you?
Not the “I’m fine” version.
But how are you—really?
Have you felt your sadness creeping in lately?
Have you numbed it with distractions, filled the silence with noise, scrolled until your breath faded into the background?
Have you smiled for others, while forgetting to smile for yourself?
Have you questioned your worth, your place, your presence?
Have you chased something “better,” again and again, only to find yourself standing in the same spot, holding the same ache?
Have you worn your sadness for years—quietly, like a second skin?
If so, you are not alone.
And if you’ve asked yourself these questions lately, then maybe…
This is your invitation to pause.
To undress the sadness.
To sit in silence.
To meet yourself with the tenderness you’ve given others.
Breathe.
Touch your heart.
And ask again: How am I, really?
Learn more about my offerings on this link.
Learn more about mindfulness on this link.
Learn more about healing your inner child on this link.
External Resources:
Zen & Engaged Buddhism:
Are you near a mental and physical fatigue? Here is why and how to deal with your thoughts.
Mental and physical fatigue and how to manage your thoughts?
Sometimes, it feels like you’re just trying to keep your head above water.
That feeling can be heavy. It’s not permanent—but it can go either way:
toward healing, or deeper into depletion.
The direction? It’s yours to choose.
Mental and physical fatigue and how to manage your thoughts
What Keeps You Hustling?
Start with the mind.
Your mind is powerful. It’s beautiful. And it’s not broken.
A Buddhist metaphor suggests the mind is like a screen—we project onto it all kinds of films. Thoughts, emotions, stories, expectations, judgments… We begin to believe what we project, forgetting it’s just a movie, not the truth.
The “musts,” “shoulds,” and “have tos” are often self-created.
They stem from internal pressure, not reality. And when you realize that,
you can begin to loosen their grip.
A Little Awareness Can Break a Big Pattern
It only takes a moment of awareness to notice:
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What am I thinking right now?
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How am I reacting to this thought?
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Do I want to keep believing it?
That pause—that awareness—is the beginning of change.
You Are Already Whole
You don’t need to be fixed.
You have the strength, knowledge, and capacity to begin shifting your patterns.
But that doesn’t mean you have to do it alone.
Asking for help isn’t weakness.
It’s a powerful decision. A courageous one.
Wanting guidance isn’t shameful. It’s human.
The mind may tell you otherwise, but remember: thoughts are not facts. You decide which stories to believe.
Take the First Step Back to Yourself
Start small.
With one breath.
One question.
An act of kindness toward yourself.
You’re not alone in this.
Learn more about my offerings on this link.
More about mindfulness on this link.
Learn more about healing your inner child on this link.
External Resources:
Zen & Engaged Buddhism: